Tuesday, April 01, 2003

well my loves, it has been one of those days.
frankly, i should be asleep right now.
it would be much more responsible.

it does seem the world is truly going to hell, doesn't it? some sort of SARS disease making its rounds, war, hijackings, threats of terrorist attacks, geraldo getting in trouble. geraldo getting in trouble is the only thing reported recently that has made me feel like perhaps we aren't all completely mad.

a teenage actress flashing a peace sign on movie posters is now viewed as a controversial advertisement, and it was yanked.

more and more, moving to mexico seems to be the only viable option. i watched an absolutely wretched film called high crimes on hbo tonight, but jumped out of excitement when one scene took place in tepotzlan. ah, tepotzlan, where i climbed a mountain and actually made it back down. where the streets are hard to walk on after experiencing relatively dramatic changes in altitude (for a gringa, anyway,). while i nod off at my excel spreadsheets, i dream about this place and places like it. places where the street signs don't demand that you report terrorism, if you don't crash your car trying to write down the phone number.

there was a saying, something about how september 11th brought the united states into the world. now we are the rest of the world; now we know what it's like. we do. god i miss the pre-september 11th bubble of safety that was the united states. i really wish everyone i know didn't squint harshly at planes in the distance, watching carefully to assess whether it's flying normally, and that we didn't have to have those safety meetings at work during which they tell you to keep some fruit cocktail at your desk in the event of a biological attack. i wish that the kids growing up would have gotten a chance to live in that world.

i wish i didn't know people who know people who are over in the iraqi desert right now, and i wish that that guy who i met at my party back in october wasn't there, and i really hope that this iraq thing is going better than the reports seem to be saying.

it's hard to battle the amount of apathy that comes naturally to me now. i feel absolutely powerless over all the shit that is going down, so i literally am following the eat, drink and be merry (for tomorrow we die) motto. tomorrow night i'm going to do something different: i'm going to go to visions in washington, dc, and attend a meeting for howard dean's candidacy. before i fall asleep i'll be praying that it brings me back, and not to awareness, but to the hope that is necessary when one has the slightest inkling of true awareness. we need philosophical heroes right now, and i've placed my bets on howie, and lord i hope he comes through.